Separate lives: Living apart together

My wife and I have been married for 54 years. It is not such an unusual accomplishment on the face of it except that for 20 years she worked in locations all over the United States and in many foreign countries for extended periods of time. Her assignments for a banking software company often required her to live in hotels or corporate apartments up to a year or more. While she was a road warrior I lived in St. Louis, part of the time in apartments and later in a house.  We chose both the apartment and house for their proximity to the St Louis airport. When she was in the United States she was allowed to come home only on weekends.  On 9/11 she was working in Kansas City and all flights were canceled. We alternated taking Amtrak back and forth until commercial flights were allowed again. Her overseas assignments often required her to stay abroad for months at a time.  The wear and tear of transcontinental travel made it difficult to return home more than two or three times a year. In spite of all this we have been married 54 years.

Some friends speculated that we were able to stay together, if you could call it that, because we were apart so much and the daily irritants couples usually have never surfaced with our long distance relationship. As an architect my work also took me many places in the United States and overseas to Spain and Brazil. Between our two jobs we frequently ended up on different continents.

If I had to say how we made it work so long I believe it was because when we were home we made a point to do virtually everything together, even if it was just going to the grocery. Our relationship was a lot like courting.  I would often greet her with special meals I had prepared requiring her to simply drop her bag and enjoy. Our love life was special, and we allowed nothing to interfere with that aspect of our relationship. Sometimes I greeted her at the door in only a robe and a glint in my eye.

The other huge factor in our relationship was the ability to communicate on the Internet by E-mail. Before the Internet we had to rely on the telephone, but her company was generous in allowing frequent long distance calls, often overseas. My company was equally generous. One night, while I was on assignment in Seville, Spain, My wife, who was visiting relatives, received a 10:00 PM phone call. The family wondered who could possibly be calling at that hour. She said it couldn’t be me as it was 3:00 AM in Spain. It turned out that it was indeed me and it was 3:00 AM. My colleagues and I had been partying but I couldn’t retire for the night without my nightly call to my wife.

People, especially men, would frequently tell me, “I could never do what you are doing. I couldn’t be separated from my wife for that long.” I took this to mean that they couldn’t go without sex for that long. I can truthfully say that, like Jimmy Carter, I did “lust in my heart” on occasion. My wife worked with men all of the time so I had to trust her. I also knew that her assignments were very consuming, stressful and on tight schedules. She often worked 12 hour days and likely had little time or energy to fool around. At least that’s her story.

I had at least one incident in which a female engineering consultant with whom I was working had a shocked look on her face when I referred to "my wife." She mistook my kindness and interest in her ideas and professionalism as a romantic interest in herself, but I played the Jimmy Carter card and I can truthfully say I never strayed, honestly.

There were incentives and benefits to our life style. While it wasn’t unusual to miss an anniversary or birthday we could console ourselves with eventually having the resources for retirement.  Working for the same banking software company for over 20 years she became very knowledgeable about most of the many products that the company sold, making her a valuable asset.  She was regularly thrown into assignments where the installation of the software had fallen behind the scheduled implementation. They frequently called on her to help turn the process around.           One of the benefits of what in those days was seen as an unusual life style meant that she was living on her expense account about 90% of the time. This and a profit sharing program allowed us to retire comfortably.  Another benefit was that we both had opportunities to see other parts of the world that we otherwise would never have seen and to experience other cultures. We both have dear friends in many foreign countries.

 Obviously her company was very generous and made many concessions to retain her.  I don’t know of many firms these days that would be so generous.   Sadly those days are probably gone forever. Firms now seem to exhibit little appreciation for loyal employees who are responsible for the success the owners enjoy.   

Today in these dire financial times many young people remain employed only if they are willing to relocate placing a heavy burden on their relationship. One spouse must either quit his or her job and also relocate or accept separation with all of its problems. For both to relocate could require selling a house in a down market.  A short term solution may be living and working in separate cities. Some relationships can’t survive such a challenge.

With the two Middle Eastern wars thousands of military families are facing these challenges right now. We can sympathize with our military and their spouses.  Besides the stress of long separations the soldiers face the added stress of war making the challenge even greater. We understand the emotional turmoil and wish them a safe and speedy return to their loved ones.